pre-marital counselling.
★★★★★ Testimonial: "Since seeing you last week things have been great and it looks like we are back on track. We have reconnected amazingly over the weekend. Thank you." Ryan and Kimberly, (Couples Counselling). Elanora.
Why should we do premarital counseling? We get along great and we love each other. What more do we need to know before we get married?
If you are one of the many couples wondering if pre-marital counselling is really necessary for you, then stop and consider this fact: 'Marital research has shown a 30% lower rate of divorce in couples who have participated in pre-marital counselling and a strong marriage positively affects a person’s level of happiness, physical health and emotional well-being for years.'
In successful marriages, partners are more positive than negative about one another. However, not all marital arguments can be resolved.
A happy marriage builds upon (Gottman & Silver, 1999):
Is pre-marital counselling common?
Yes, because marriage is a big investment (emotionally and financially), and failure comes at a high cost. Did you know that 44% of couples who get married today agree to pre-marital counselling? A pre-marital counsellor will, ultimately, tailor the questions and sessions to your unique situation and relationship – and give you the space to discuss with the guidance of a non-judgmental third party.
Divorce Statistics Australia (2016 - Bureau of Statistics):
How long does it usually take?
The average time couples spend in pre-marital counselling before getting married is 2-3 hours. This can be done in a 3 hour workshop.
If you are one of the many couples wondering if pre-marital counselling is really necessary for you, then stop and consider this fact: 'Marital research has shown a 30% lower rate of divorce in couples who have participated in pre-marital counselling and a strong marriage positively affects a person’s level of happiness, physical health and emotional well-being for years.'
In successful marriages, partners are more positive than negative about one another. However, not all marital arguments can be resolved.
A happy marriage builds upon (Gottman & Silver, 1999):
- Friendship rather than fighting (Deep friendship is at the heart of the marriage).
- Seeing the good in your partner (Giving them the benefit of the doubt)
- High levels of trust and total commitment maintain the relationship.
- Capacity to repair (A healthy companionship supports repair following disagreements and conflict).
- Marriage purpose (A partnership has a purpose, where each supports the other’s hopes and dreams).
Is pre-marital counselling common?
Yes, because marriage is a big investment (emotionally and financially), and failure comes at a high cost. Did you know that 44% of couples who get married today agree to pre-marital counselling? A pre-marital counsellor will, ultimately, tailor the questions and sessions to your unique situation and relationship – and give you the space to discuss with the guidance of a non-judgmental third party.
Divorce Statistics Australia (2016 - Bureau of Statistics):
- 1 in 3 marriages (33%) end in divorce
- The peak of the divorce rate was at 4 years
- 77% of couples co-habitate before marriage
- Up to 65% of second marriages end in divorce
How long does it usually take?
The average time couples spend in pre-marital counselling before getting married is 2-3 hours. This can be done in a 3 hour workshop.
In Pre-Marital Counselling Couples learn about:
In premarital counseling, you will learn to:
If you are concerned already that you have some glitches in your relationship, that’s not necessarily a reason to avoid getting married. Don’t give up until you have invited a pre-marital counsellor to look at the blind spots that might need fine tuning to help you feel confident in your connection.
Many couples encounter some typical upsets during their engagement that simply require:
Successful Pre-Marital Counselling
Based on our experience, the most successful clients attend every appointment; so make your appointments a priority.
Print the form below or call Ghita Andersen for a chat today on 0439888070
- Love Languages
- Finances
- Communication and Conflict Resoution
- Beliefs, values and standards
- Marriage roles (husband / wife role expectations)
- Affection, intimacy and sex
- Children and parenting
- Extended family relationships
- Decision making
- Life Dreams and Goals
- Household chore division
- Social Life
- Holidays
- Relationship 'Deal Breakers' (Extra-marital Affairs etc.)
In premarital counseling, you will learn to:
- Savour the good moments and make sure they happen often
- Communicate effectively
- Resolve conflict and reduce fighting dramatically
- Develop rituals that deepen your sense of closeness
- Appreciate your partner’s differences
- Feel appreciative of the strengths you both bring to teamwork
- Come to understand your partner’s preferences for experiencing affirmation from you.
- Develop a freedom to talk about your sexual intimacy together
- Explore many of the differences in your expectations of a relationship
- Identify effective strategies for affair protection
If you are concerned already that you have some glitches in your relationship, that’s not necessarily a reason to avoid getting married. Don’t give up until you have invited a pre-marital counsellor to look at the blind spots that might need fine tuning to help you feel confident in your connection.
Many couples encounter some typical upsets during their engagement that simply require:
- Learning better ways to talk about conflicts
- Agreeing to call timeouts until you both can be more objective in solving problems
- Making sure that you are “getting your partner” and vice versa
- Appreciating your cultural differences
- Grasping the best ways to deal with potential differing in-law expectations
- Moving out of singlehood into habits that build secure marriages
- Dealing with any concerns about
- Verbal or physical abuse
- Potential alcohol or drug abuse
- Problematic withdrawal patterns.
Successful Pre-Marital Counselling
Based on our experience, the most successful clients attend every appointment; so make your appointments a priority.
- Be willing to take risks and try new things. (You are going to learn new skills, some of which may seem unfamiliar at first. Commit to trying them out.)
- Prepare for each session. (This is a vital opportunity for your marriage; take it. Come prepared with a list of what you want to discuss and any changes since the last session.)
- Provide direct and honest feedback. Be open and honest about what is, and what still needs work.
Print the form below or call Ghita Andersen for a chat today on 0439888070
| ghita_therapy_pre-marital_counselling_checklist.pdf |
Case Study:
JUSTIN AND AESHA: A story of different values
Justin and Aesha have known each other for about 1 year and been dating for about six months. Although they come from vastly different cultures, her family is Indian and his family is Anglo-Australian, they are deeply in love and want to get married. Since they have not known each other a very long time, friends and family have suggested that a few sessions of premarriage counselling would be a good idea before they make any final commitment to each other.
As Justin and Aesha attend their first session, they are both a bit anxious. They have never attended therapy or counselling and do not know what to expect. As they meet their pre-marriage counsellor for the first time, they are happy to find that they have a good rapport with Ghita and she is easy to talk to. Justin and Aesha are particularly assured after she carefully explains how she works with couples and her policy of ‘no secrets’ during the couples counselling process.
Aesha and Justin each talk about their experience of growing up, about family expectations around spiritual and religious beliefs and their values. Although Justin has spent time with Aesha’s family, he is surprised at the degree to which Aesha feels strongly about her Hindu religious beliefs and that she wants her children to have the benefit of everyday rituals. On the other hand, when Justin thinks of his own haphazard Anglican upbringing he admits to feeling a bit intimidated.
Through a budgeting exercise, Aesha and Justin come to realise that their approach to finances is vastly different: The couple are both given $1,000 in pretend money and they have to budget and spend the funds. Aesha happily and easily spends almost all of the money with only $7 left over, while Justin finds that he wants to save the majority of the money and only spend what he has to on necessary budgetary items like housing, utilities and paying bills. The difference is both surprising and a bit startling.
Ghita realises that the value differences between her clients is quite substantial, but she uses exercises and role play activities in the third and fourth sessions to help them to reframe their differences into strengths. Ghita also helps the couple to discuss how they might each be able to compromise in relation to some of these value and cultural differences, and works with them to enhance their active listening skills so that discussing potential compromises in the future can come more easily. To this end, Ghita uses role play, verbal and written exercises as homework between sessions to enhance the skills she teaches them during counselling sessions.
Ghita also suggests that Justin and Aesha consider making an agreement regarding the religious upbringing of their children. At first, Justin and Aesha thought the suggestion was a little premature, however after some discussion, they both acknowledged that the issue of children and religion was hugely significant, especially to Aesha, and that one of the reasons they had decided to come to premarriage counselling in the first place was to address any major issues that might come up.
Consequently, a resolution about some of the big issues proved to be extremely difficult and fraught with emotion for both Aesha and Justin, and they were glad they had Ghita’s assistance to work through the problem. Ultimately, through some rather intense discussions across the last two sessions, they came to the realisation that the issue of religious upbringing was essential to Aesha, and not as essential for Justin. Yet through these discussions, Justin also discovered that if they made a decision to raise their children in the Hindu tradition, their decision would have ramifications for Justin and his family.
Working with Ghita allowed Aesha and Justin to reach an honest and open awareness of each of their needs and develop true empathy for each other’s cultural needs. Counselling helped them to reach a compromise about future situations, and even more importantly, they both felt really hopeful about their future together.
* Names altered.
JUSTIN AND AESHA: A story of different values
Justin and Aesha have known each other for about 1 year and been dating for about six months. Although they come from vastly different cultures, her family is Indian and his family is Anglo-Australian, they are deeply in love and want to get married. Since they have not known each other a very long time, friends and family have suggested that a few sessions of premarriage counselling would be a good idea before they make any final commitment to each other.
As Justin and Aesha attend their first session, they are both a bit anxious. They have never attended therapy or counselling and do not know what to expect. As they meet their pre-marriage counsellor for the first time, they are happy to find that they have a good rapport with Ghita and she is easy to talk to. Justin and Aesha are particularly assured after she carefully explains how she works with couples and her policy of ‘no secrets’ during the couples counselling process.
Aesha and Justin each talk about their experience of growing up, about family expectations around spiritual and religious beliefs and their values. Although Justin has spent time with Aesha’s family, he is surprised at the degree to which Aesha feels strongly about her Hindu religious beliefs and that she wants her children to have the benefit of everyday rituals. On the other hand, when Justin thinks of his own haphazard Anglican upbringing he admits to feeling a bit intimidated.
Through a budgeting exercise, Aesha and Justin come to realise that their approach to finances is vastly different: The couple are both given $1,000 in pretend money and they have to budget and spend the funds. Aesha happily and easily spends almost all of the money with only $7 left over, while Justin finds that he wants to save the majority of the money and only spend what he has to on necessary budgetary items like housing, utilities and paying bills. The difference is both surprising and a bit startling.
Ghita realises that the value differences between her clients is quite substantial, but she uses exercises and role play activities in the third and fourth sessions to help them to reframe their differences into strengths. Ghita also helps the couple to discuss how they might each be able to compromise in relation to some of these value and cultural differences, and works with them to enhance their active listening skills so that discussing potential compromises in the future can come more easily. To this end, Ghita uses role play, verbal and written exercises as homework between sessions to enhance the skills she teaches them during counselling sessions.
Ghita also suggests that Justin and Aesha consider making an agreement regarding the religious upbringing of their children. At first, Justin and Aesha thought the suggestion was a little premature, however after some discussion, they both acknowledged that the issue of children and religion was hugely significant, especially to Aesha, and that one of the reasons they had decided to come to premarriage counselling in the first place was to address any major issues that might come up.
Consequently, a resolution about some of the big issues proved to be extremely difficult and fraught with emotion for both Aesha and Justin, and they were glad they had Ghita’s assistance to work through the problem. Ultimately, through some rather intense discussions across the last two sessions, they came to the realisation that the issue of religious upbringing was essential to Aesha, and not as essential for Justin. Yet through these discussions, Justin also discovered that if they made a decision to raise their children in the Hindu tradition, their decision would have ramifications for Justin and his family.
Working with Ghita allowed Aesha and Justin to reach an honest and open awareness of each of their needs and develop true empathy for each other’s cultural needs. Counselling helped them to reach a compromise about future situations, and even more importantly, they both felt really hopeful about their future together.
* Names altered.
Copyright 2021 Ghita Andersen. Photos courtesy of Freepik
