How to Prepare for Couples Counselling
★★★★★ Testimonial Marriage Counselling: I was convinced that we were separating and it was too late. I was of the mindset to leave, but one hour turned it around for us. This session was very different. Ghita nailed our problem and made us negotiate. After many years of arguing over the same thing, she showed us how to do deals. We negotiated our personal time and even had a contingency plan for when things went wrong. We both agree this session was nothing like what we expected. Thank you Ghita. - J & A Tovey. (Hope Island)
The Process of Couple Counselling
Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-to-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging. Ghita's advice is to begin with the end in mind. If you have a good, strong reason for being in counselling then you are more likely to be open to exploring.
The Phases:
Love Relationships Require 3 Things: Commitment, Passion and Emotional Intimacy. Commitment Quiz
Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-to-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging. Ghita's advice is to begin with the end in mind. If you have a good, strong reason for being in counselling then you are more likely to be open to exploring.
The Phases:
- Assessment Phase: Minimum of two hours for a diagnostic and possibly individual sessions
- Treatment Phase: 5 - 10 hour long session are recommended weekly to fortnightly until the relationship is showing improvement
- Maintenance & Relapse Prevention Phase: As required. Many couples will check-in twice a year to prevent sliding back into old patterns.
Love Relationships Require 3 Things: Commitment, Passion and Emotional Intimacy. Commitment Quiz
Couples Counselling Testimonial 2018: "I gained a lot in only one session. I am so grateful for your help, it stops me thinking and reacting without perspective. We are seeing great benefits." R. Murphy (Reedy Creek).
In-Session Behaviour Rules
- No Shouting or Voice Raising in Session: The counsellor is entitled to have respectful workplace.
- Anger Issues in One Party: If one partner has anger issues, depression, serious addictions, severe anxiety issues, or is verbally abusive etc., it is best if they do individual psychotherapy with a psychiatrist before investing in couples counselling.
- Walk-Outs: Sometimes, during couples counselling one party will become angry (or defensive) and walk out of the session. This is not unusual in this type of sensitive therapy. Note that there are no refunds.
- It’s Not All About You: Sometimes we can pull the wool over our own eyes, not wanting to acknowledge what is happening. In couples counselling it’s hard to deceive yourself or the counsellor because not only is the way you relate there in the room being observed, but your partner may also say what they think and feel, shining a light into areas you find uncomfortable.
- When One Person is Unmotivated, Only Coming to Therapy as a Box-Ticking Exercise
Therapy is most successful when people are willing to walk in the door on their own. This isn’t to say that therapy is not daunting and you won’t feel hesitant about the process. You may of course have doubts and fears about whether therapy will help or if it will feel awkward. But give it a try at least for a few sessions wholeheartedly. - Expecting Therapy to “Fix” my Partner? And am I Willing to Admit my Contributions to Our Relationship Dynamic?
Couples counselling is about treating the relationship. This means looking at both partners’ behaviours and how issues result from your co-created dynamic. For the most part, couples therapists remain neutral, they don’t align with one person or the other; but instead, are always looking at ways to support the relationship. Couples counsellors help each person to feel heard and try to understand each partner’s perspective. - Self-Reflection is Part of Therapy: If you expect that your couples therapist will not ask you to self-reflect about your actions in the relationship, you might be disappointed.
- Blame: If you are coming to couples counselling in order to be proven RIGHT or to BLAME the other party entirely for the failure of your relationship, you have already emotionally separated from your partner and should move onto mediation with a mediator (Parenting plan) or lawyer.
- Values Mismatch and Incompatibiity: If the counsellor notices that you both have very different values and this is something you constantly fight about, the counsellor may tell you that you are incompatitable and unlikely to make it work. Sometimes this happens. The therapist will be honest and say so.
- Defensiveness: If One Party Starts to Blame the Counsellor: If one person is triggered by the therapist probing into the relationship, or is upset by questions asking them to reveal their thoughts and motives (which are necessary), and turns on the therapist, the session is over. This will not be tolerated.
- Domestic Violence: If your relationship has become toxic, you have a history of family / domestic violence, restraining orders (past or current), or you lie on your intake form or booking questionnaire about the level of the dysfunction in your relationship, the counsellor has the right to cancel the session even if it has started. We cannot fix unhealthy relationships. Book in for individual counselling instead.
Be Willing to Change
You have to be willing to change to repair a relationship. A counsellor is there to assist with the change. We are used to people being uneasy. The best work is often done just after hitting an uncomfortable spot. This sweet spot is where both parties drop their guards and fess up to feelings, disappointments and their own behaviour. Sometimes one party will walk out, cool off, and then come back. That is okay. We understand that sometimes people haven’t been this honest their whole lives.
People often say, 'We know what we need to do, we just need someone to keep us honest and to make us do it.'
Counsellor's Role
Counsellors Do Not Take Sides
Couples counsellors are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly and to keep therapy on track, they do have to call clients out on egocentric talk and tell clients when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future. Sometimes, we recommend one or both parties do some individual counselling to work through past relationship residue. This is normal.
You Can’t Repair a Marriage in One Session
Please note that the first session is purely a diagnostic session. The duration of couples counselling depends on the gravity of your problems as a couple. It is common for marital problems to be going on for years before couples decide to seek the help of a therapist. If negative issues are caught early and ongoing hurt can be prevented from building up, there’s a greater chance your relationship can be saved.
Couples Counselling is Real:
Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. Afterall, if repairing was easy, you wouldn't need us. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are. Chat to us before you book in if you have any reservations or are just a bit nervous about the process.
No Magic Wand at the 11th Hour
Things to consider: Counsellors can’t be expected to ‘fix’ a relationship, which has taken decades to degrade and is now beyond repair. Nor are they likely to do it in one session! Counsellors can’t make one person cooperate if they don’t want to. If one party has already walked out of a relationship physically or emotionally, there may be little that we can do if all trust has been lost.
Toxic Relationships
Couples Counselling cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship. So, in short, Couples Counselling is not suitable for abusive relationships. Ghita will not accept couples with a history of family violence. It is too hard to repair and not safe for the counsellor.
Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. Sometimes, people who are prone to anger can turn on the counsellor when they are reality checked, or the counsellor suspects aggression from one party and they are challenged on their honesty. This can result in verbal abuse and threats towards the counsellor, and counsellors deserve a peaceful workplace and to maintain their reputation for being a helper. In short, we do not take couples where there is domestic violence or serious anger issues.
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
Pattern Interrrupt (Aka Shock Therapy)
Pattern interrupt is an NLP method used by couples counsellors to stop parties bickering and to shock them into realising that they want to stay together. It is designed to strengthen the love and to diffuse the contempt. If your therapist uses it in your session, it is for your benefit. Sometimes, couples are so busy blaming and focusing on what the other person does wrong that they forget to focus on what they do right. Couples counsellors aim to create rapport with clients, but they also have to shock and reality check at times to get both parties on the same page.
Couples counsellors are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly and to keep therapy on track, they do have to call clients out on egocentric talk and tell clients when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future. Sometimes, we recommend one or both parties do some individual counselling to work through past relationship residue. This is normal.
You Can’t Repair a Marriage in One Session
Please note that the first session is purely a diagnostic session. The duration of couples counselling depends on the gravity of your problems as a couple. It is common for marital problems to be going on for years before couples decide to seek the help of a therapist. If negative issues are caught early and ongoing hurt can be prevented from building up, there’s a greater chance your relationship can be saved.
Couples Counselling is Real:
Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. Afterall, if repairing was easy, you wouldn't need us. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are. Chat to us before you book in if you have any reservations or are just a bit nervous about the process.
No Magic Wand at the 11th Hour
Things to consider: Counsellors can’t be expected to ‘fix’ a relationship, which has taken decades to degrade and is now beyond repair. Nor are they likely to do it in one session! Counsellors can’t make one person cooperate if they don’t want to. If one party has already walked out of a relationship physically or emotionally, there may be little that we can do if all trust has been lost.
Toxic Relationships
Couples Counselling cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship. So, in short, Couples Counselling is not suitable for abusive relationships. Ghita will not accept couples with a history of family violence. It is too hard to repair and not safe for the counsellor.
Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. Sometimes, people who are prone to anger can turn on the counsellor when they are reality checked, or the counsellor suspects aggression from one party and they are challenged on their honesty. This can result in verbal abuse and threats towards the counsellor, and counsellors deserve a peaceful workplace and to maintain their reputation for being a helper. In short, we do not take couples where there is domestic violence or serious anger issues.
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
Pattern Interrrupt (Aka Shock Therapy)
Pattern interrupt is an NLP method used by couples counsellors to stop parties bickering and to shock them into realising that they want to stay together. It is designed to strengthen the love and to diffuse the contempt. If your therapist uses it in your session, it is for your benefit. Sometimes, couples are so busy blaming and focusing on what the other person does wrong that they forget to focus on what they do right. Couples counsellors aim to create rapport with clients, but they also have to shock and reality check at times to get both parties on the same page.
★★★★★ Couples Counselling Testimonial via Text 2018: "Since seeing you last week things have been great and it looks like we are back on track. We have reconnected amazingly over the weekend. Thank you." Ryan and Kimberly, (Elanora).
If the Counsellor Recommends Individual Counselling
The counsellor may recommend that one party (or both) have individual counselling in order to work on anger issues, childhood issues, trust issues etc before further couples therapy. If they do, it is likely that you are bringing your old family issues into your marriage or relationship.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. It's more challenging to mend a relationship this way, but you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
The counsellor may recommend that one party (or both) have individual counselling in order to work on anger issues, childhood issues, trust issues etc before further couples therapy. If they do, it is likely that you are bringing your old family issues into your marriage or relationship.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. It's more challenging to mend a relationship this way, but you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
- Be Honest About Your Own Emotions in order to comprehend why you feel the way you feel and how you can self-regulate/ gain control over those emotions.
- Examine ANGER ISSUES, Mistrust, Childhood Events, Self-Esteem Issues that are triggered by your partner. How can you work on yourself to improve your interactions with others, instead of allowing your inner-critic to sabotage your relationships. Would you like to try individual counselling or NLP?
- Communication Style: How is your communication style hampering your relationship? Could you deliver your phrases better? Do you state your needs in a positive or negative way?
- Understand your Partner's Love Language and your own. This goes a long way to understand how to love each other and get brownie points. [Book: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman]
- Expectations of Partner Roles: Is your expectation of your partner based on your parent's traditional roles? Is it reasonable? It is always a good idea to examine and be honest about what you expect of your partner (in terms of spouse or parental roles) and then compare these to what is normal in the modern era.
What Couples Counselling Doesn't Do
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage, and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.) Subsequently, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact.
Importantly, Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
Endings:
Sometimes, as a result of couples counselling clients decide to end their relationship. However, if your counsellor recommends that you separate, please understand that they don’t say it lightly. It is not something that they will say unless they are sure that it is more damaging to continue. If you feel that there is an error, you are entitled to a second opinion and are welcome to try another service.
Importantly, Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
Endings:
Sometimes, as a result of couples counselling clients decide to end their relationship. However, if your counsellor recommends that you separate, please understand that they don’t say it lightly. It is not something that they will say unless they are sure that it is more damaging to continue. If you feel that there is an error, you are entitled to a second opinion and are welcome to try another service.
What to Get Ready Before Couples Therapy:
Notes About Your Relationship
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, makes some notes about your relationship dynamic and the problems as you see them. Also, makes some notes if you have had couples sessions before: What have you tried? What did you learn?
Before Session Preparation:
Tip from Ghita Andersen:
Book in for several weekly or fortnightly couples sessions in a row for the best result. And make the first session longer than an hour if you can. You can book up to several weeks in advance on our booking system. It will be the best investment you ever make.
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, makes some notes about your relationship dynamic and the problems as you see them. Also, makes some notes if you have had couples sessions before: What have you tried? What did you learn?
Before Session Preparation:
- Both read this entire page and First Session: What to Expect
- Please text your partner's full name, mobile and email addresss, so that we can send you both links to the Intake Form (Saves ten minutes in session)
- Organise your babysitter - if applicable.
- Prefill the intake forms
- Write some notes about your goals for therapy
Tip from Ghita Andersen:
Book in for several weekly or fortnightly couples sessions in a row for the best result. And make the first session longer than an hour if you can. You can book up to several weeks in advance on our booking system. It will be the best investment you ever make.
Health Funds:
Rebates may be available for members of Medibank, Bupa, Police Health, St Luke’s, CUA Health, Phoenix Health Fund and Emergency Services. However, as things change so often please check with your provider before booking. We no longer have any particular registrations with health Funds.
Some private funds rebate Couples Counselling (Item #300) List. Therefore it is worth checking with your provider. You can ask us for a specific type of invoice.
Rebates may be available for members of Medibank, Bupa, Police Health, St Luke’s, CUA Health, Phoenix Health Fund and Emergency Services. However, as things change so often please check with your provider before booking. We no longer have any particular registrations with health Funds.
Some private funds rebate Couples Counselling (Item #300) List. Therefore it is worth checking with your provider. You can ask us for a specific type of invoice.
Resources for Couples:
Family Violence Screening: Couples Counselling is not appropriate for abusive relationships: If there is any history of domestic violence - including chronic verbal abuse, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse, past or present DVO's, we ask you to book in for Individual Counselling. Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. See page: Will Couples Counselling Help Toxic Relationships?
Sorry, No Children: Please understand that professional therapists DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN IN SESSIONS for the reasons of disruption to the therapeutic process, damage to persons and property, public liability insurance limitations and second floor locations. If you do bring children/ babies with you your appointment may be cancelled and charged for. Please organise a baby-sitter well in advance or consider Telehealth or a Mobile Session.
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