Ground Rules for Couples
Before Session Preparation:
- Both parties to read this entire page
- Ghita will need your partner's full name, mobile and email addresss, so that she can send you both links to the Intake Form.
- Prefill the intake forms ASAP. These need to be read and screened for domestic violence,
- Write some notes about your goals for therapy
In-Session Rules
- No Shouting or Voice Raising in Session: The counsellor is entitled to have respectful workplace.
- Defensiveness: If One Party Starts to Blame the Counsellor: If one person is triggered by the therapist probing into the relationship, or is upset by questions asking them to reveal their thoughts and motives (which are necessary), and is disrespectful to the therapist, it will not be tolerated. ANY RUDENESS OR ATTITUDE TOWARD THE COUNSELLOR WILL AUTOMATICALLY END YOUR SESSION AND YOU MAY BE RED FLAGGED.
- Domestic Violence: If your relationship has become toxic, you have a history of domestic violence, restraining orders (past or current), or if you lie on your intake form or booking questionnaire about the level of the dysfunction in your relationship, the counsellor has the right to cancel the session even if it has started. We cannot fix unhealthy relationships. Talk with Ghita first or book in for individual counselling instead.
- You Can’t Repair a Marriage in One Session
Please note that the first session is purely a diagnostic session. If there is time some exercises may be included. If negative issues are caught early, and ongoing hurt can be prevented from building up, there’s a greater chance your relationship can be saved. If marital problems have been going on for years before couples decide to seek the help of a therapist, it will take more time to learn new behaviours. - No Magic Wand at the 11th Hour
Counsellors can’t be expected to ‘fix’ a relationship in a few hours that which has taken decades to degrade. Counsellors can’t make one person cooperate if they don’t want to. If one party has already walked out of a relationship physically or emotionally, there may be little that we can do if all trust has been lost. - Righteous Blame: If you are coming to couples counselling in order to be proven RIGHT or to BLAME the other party entirely for the failure of your relationship, you have already emotionally separated from your partner and should move onto mediation with a mediator or lawyer. This is known as CONTEMPT and is one of the four horsemen markers of divorce.
- Expecting Therapy to “Fix” my Partner?
Couples counselling is about treating the relationship. This means looking at both partners’ behaviours and how issues result from your co-created dynamic. For the most part, couples therapists remain neutral, they don’t align with one person or the other; but instead, are always looking at ways to support the relationship. Couples counsellors help each person to feel heard and try to understand each partner’s perspective. - When One Person is Unmotivated, Only Coming to Therapy as a Box-Ticking Exercise
Therapy is most successful when people are willing to walk in the door on their own. This isn’t to say that therapy is not daunting and you won’t feel hesitant about the process. You may of course have doubts and fears about whether therapy will help or if it will feel awkward. But give it a try at least for a few sessions wholeheartedly. - It’s Not All About You: Sometimes we can pull the wool over our own eyes, not wanting to acknowledge what is happening. In couples counselling it’s hard to deceive yourself or the counsellor because not only is the way you relate there in the room being observed, but your partner may also say what they think and feel, shining a light into areas you find uncomfortable.
- Self-Reflection is Part of Therapy: If you expect that your couples therapist will not ask you to self-reflect about your actions in the relationship, you might be disappointed.
- One Person Dominating the Session: If one person purposely tries to dominate the session the counsellor will notice this and bring the other person into the mix. However, if one person has more to reveal in session and it is necessary to hear a back-story, the counsellor will usually ask the other party if it is okay that they take up more time. Counsellors try to be fair, but they do need the information to help.
- Pattern Interrupt (Aka Shock Therapy)
Pattern interrupt is a method used by couples counsellors to stop parties bickering and to shock them into realising that they want to stay together. It is designed to strengthen the love and to diffuse the contempt. If your therapist uses it in your session, it is for your benefit. Sometimes, couples are so busy blaming and focusing on what the other person does wrong that they forget to focus on what they do right. Couples counsellors aim to create rapport with clients, but they also have to shock and reality check at times to get both parties on the same page. - If a Counsellor Uses Their Real World Experience in a Session
When a counsellor tells a brief personal story, please understand that this is not transference or the counsellor wanting to talk about themselves. This is a standard counselling method to demonstrate empathy, so you know that they are not faking their understanding. They may use a story for rapport building, a 'normalising' technique or as a METAPHOR to create a penny drop when a message is not getting through to a party. - Be Willing to Change: You have to be willing to change to repair a relationship. A counsellor is there to assist with the change. We are used to people being uneasy. The best work is often done just after hitting an uncomfortable spot. This sweet spot is where both parties drop their guards and fess up to feelings, disappointments and their own behaviour. Sometimes one party will walk out, cool off, and then come back. That is okay. We understand that sometimes people haven’t been this honest their whole lives.
- Values Mismatch and Incompatibiity: If the counsellor notices that you both have very different values, culture etecetera, and this is something you constantly fight about, the counsellor may tell you that you are incompatitable and unlikely to make it work. Sometimes this happens. The therapist will be honest and say so.
- Walk-Outs: Sometimes, during couples counselling one party will become angry (or defensive) and walk out of the session. This is not unusual in this type of sensitive therapy. Note that there are no refunds and it doesn't reflect well on maturity.
What Couples Therapy Doesn't Do
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage, and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.) Subsequently, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact.
Importantly, Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
Endings:
Sometimes, as a result of couples counselling clients decide to end their relationship. However, if your counsellor recommends that you separate, please understand that they don’t say it lightly. It is not something that they will say unless they are sure that it is more damaging to continue. If you feel that there is an error, you are entitled to a second opinion and are welcome to try another service.
Importantly, Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
Endings:
Sometimes, as a result of couples counselling clients decide to end their relationship. However, if your counsellor recommends that you separate, please understand that they don’t say it lightly. It is not something that they will say unless they are sure that it is more damaging to continue. If you feel that there is an error, you are entitled to a second opinion and are welcome to try another service.
The Counsellor's Role
"It is the intention of a couples counsellor to be kind, impartial and to offer perspectives perhaps unseen in order to create teamwork." - Ghita
(FOR MEN) Will the Ladies Gang up on me?
The short answer is No. Counsellors Do Not Take Sides. Sometimes, men can be a little apprehensive about coming to counselling because there is a fear with 2 women in the room there will be a bias toward the female orientation. This doesn’t happen in our sessions. Couples counsellors are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly, they do have to call clients out when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future. In fact, we often recommend one or both parties do some individual counselling to work through past relationship residue. This is normal.
Couples Counselling is Real:
Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. Afterall, if repairing was easy, you wouldn't need us. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are. You don't have to be friends with your therapist, you just have to accept what they are noticing is from years of experience.
Toxic Relationships
Couples Counselling cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship. So, in short, Couples Counselling is not suitable for abusive relationships. Ghita will not accept couples with a history of family violence. It is too hard to repair and not safe for the counsellor.
Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. Sometimes, people who are prone to anger can turn on the counsellor when they are reality checked, or the counsellor suspects aggression from one party and they are challenged on their honesty. This can result in verbal abuse and threats towards the counsellor, and counsellors deserve a peaceful workplace and to maintain their reputation for being a helper. This is why we do not take couples where there is domestic violence or serious anger issues.
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
(FOR MEN) Will the Ladies Gang up on me?
The short answer is No. Counsellors Do Not Take Sides. Sometimes, men can be a little apprehensive about coming to counselling because there is a fear with 2 women in the room there will be a bias toward the female orientation. This doesn’t happen in our sessions. Couples counsellors are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly, they do have to call clients out when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future. In fact, we often recommend one or both parties do some individual counselling to work through past relationship residue. This is normal.
Couples Counselling is Real:
Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. Afterall, if repairing was easy, you wouldn't need us. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are. You don't have to be friends with your therapist, you just have to accept what they are noticing is from years of experience.
Toxic Relationships
Couples Counselling cannot fix the unequal power structure that is characteristic of an abusive relationship. So, in short, Couples Counselling is not suitable for abusive relationships. Ghita will not accept couples with a history of family violence. It is too hard to repair and not safe for the counsellor.
Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. Sometimes, people who are prone to anger can turn on the counsellor when they are reality checked, or the counsellor suspects aggression from one party and they are challenged on their honesty. This can result in verbal abuse and threats towards the counsellor, and counsellors deserve a peaceful workplace and to maintain their reputation for being a helper. This is why we do not take couples where there is domestic violence or serious anger issues.
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
If the Counsellor Recommends Individual Counselling
The counsellor may recommend that one party (or both) have individual counselling in order to work on anger triggers, childhood conditioning, trust issues etcetera before further couples therapy. If they do, it is likely that you are bringing your old family issues into your marriage or relationship.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
Please be aware that if these individual sessions are with Ghita Andersen, you will not be discussing your relationship - only your personal issues. So if in these sessions you offer blame upon your partner without them being present, couples sessions will discontinue. (Read below)
Individual Relationship Counselling
PLEASE BE AWARE THAT IF YOU BOOK IN FOR INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS FIRST AND THERE IS A BACK-HISTORY OF BLAME YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BOOK IN FOR COUPLES THERAPY AFTERWARDS BECAUSE OF COUNSELLOR ETHICS: THE COUNSELLOR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BE IMPARTIAL AND BEING NEUTRAL IS VITAL TO COUPLES THERAPY.
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. In fact, you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
Please be aware that if these individual sessions are with Ghita Andersen, you will not be discussing your relationship - only your personal issues. So if in these sessions you offer blame upon your partner without them being present, couples sessions will discontinue. (Read below)
Individual Relationship Counselling
PLEASE BE AWARE THAT IF YOU BOOK IN FOR INDIVIDUAL SESSIONS FIRST AND THERE IS A BACK-HISTORY OF BLAME YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO BOOK IN FOR COUPLES THERAPY AFTERWARDS BECAUSE OF COUNSELLOR ETHICS: THE COUNSELLOR MAY NOT BE ABLE TO BE IMPARTIAL AND BEING NEUTRAL IS VITAL TO COUPLES THERAPY.
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. In fact, you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
- Be Honest About Your Own Emotions in order to comprehend why you feel the way you feel and how you can self-regulate/ gain control over those emotions.
- Examine Childhood Events, Self-Esteem Issues, Trauma or anything else that gets triggered by your partner. How can you work on yourself to improve your interactions with others, instead of allowing your inner-critic to sabotage your relationships. Would you like to try individual counselling or NLP?
- Communication Style: How is your communication style hampering your relationship? Could you deliver your phrases better? Do you state your needs in a positive or negative way?
What to Have Ready
Notes About Your Relationship
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, makes some notes about your relationship dynamic and the problems as you see them. Also, makes some notes if you have had couples sessions before: What have you tried? What did you learn?
Therapy Phases:
Tip from Ghita Andersen:
Book in for several weekly or fortnightly couples sessions in a row for the best result. And make the first session for two hours if you can. You can book up to several weeks in advance on our booking system. It will be the best investment you ever make.
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, makes some notes about your relationship dynamic and the problems as you see them. Also, makes some notes if you have had couples sessions before: What have you tried? What did you learn?
Therapy Phases:
- Assessment Phase: Minimum of two hours for a diagnostic and possibly individual sessions
- Treatment Phase: 5 - 10 hour long session are recommended weekly to fortnightly until the relationship is showing improvement
- Maintenance & Relapse Prevention Phase: As required. Many couples will check-in twice a year to prevent sliding back into old patterns.
Tip from Ghita Andersen:
Book in for several weekly or fortnightly couples sessions in a row for the best result. And make the first session for two hours if you can. You can book up to several weeks in advance on our booking system. It will be the best investment you ever make.
Resources for Couples:
Family Violence Screening: Couples Counselling is not appropriate for abusive relationships: If there is any history of domestic violence - including chronic verbal abuse, emotional, physical, financial or sexual abuse, past or present DVO's, we ask you to book in for Individual Counselling. Couples Counselling requires calmness, commitment and cooperation. See page: Will Couples Counselling Help Toxic Relationships?
Sorry, No Children: Please understand that professional therapists DO NOT ALLOW CHILDREN IN SESSIONS for the reasons of disruption to the therapeutic process, damage to persons and property, public liability insurance limitations and second floor locations. If you do bring children/ babies with you your appointment may be cancelled and charged for. Please organise a baby-sitter well in advance or consider Telehealth or a Mobile Session.
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