groundrules for couples counselling.
'Do what you did in the beginning of a relationship and there won’t be an end.' - Tony Robbins
Important: Couples Counselling is Not Appropriate Where a Relationship is Abusive: Couples therapy often requires tough conversations which can result in big emotions and uncomfortable self-disclosure. If your relationship is abusive, it may not suitable or safe for the cooperation involved with joint-counselling.
How to Best Prepare for Couple Counselling
Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-to-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging. Ghita's advice is to begin with the end in mind. If you have a good, strong reason for being in counselling then you are more likely to be open to exploring. So, to make Couples Counselling a good experience there are groundrules for behaviour. The best way to prepare for Couples Counselling is to read this entire page so you know what to expect from your therapist and from yourselves.
*Note: Please do not bring children to your session. There are no facilities for children and public liability insurance does not cover damage to persons and property.
Love Relationships Require 3 Things: Commitment, Passion and Emotional Intimacy. Commitment Quiz
You Can’t Repair a Marriage in One Session
Couples should be aware that because there are two people sharing their stories, it is unlikely that one session will sort out a couples’ issues. Please expect to invest in your healing for anywhere from 4 -7 sessions.
Couples Counselling is Real: Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are.
'Couples Counselling is all about being brutally honest about feelings, expectations, and disappointments. And then, after feelings are heard, it is all about negotiating our needs. Professionals, like myself, can help you with this process. And you will be glad that you invested in your relationship.' - Ghita Andersen
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
Pattern Interrrupt (Aka Shock Therapy)
Pattern interrupt is an NLP method used by couples counsellors to stop parties bickering and to shock them into realising that they want to stay together. It is designed to strengthen the love and to diffuse the contempt. If your therapist uses it in your session, it is for your benefit. Sometimes, couples are so busy blaming and focusing on what the other person does wrong that they forget to focus on what they do right. Couples counsellors aim to create rapport with clients, but they also have to shock and reality check at times to get both parties on the same page.
★★★★★ Couples Counselling Testimonial: "My psychologist recommended you as some of her clients had done couples counselling and said that you were very direct and got straight into doing the work of unpacking the issues. I thought that was just what we needed for our situation. We didn't want the type of approach that would take weeks to make any progress. Thanks Ghita." Angela (Currumbin).
Counsellors Are Not Referees
Couples counsellors may well provide you with coaching. For example, they may teach you learn to communicate differently, but what they will not do is give advice about life issues. They are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly and to keep therapy on track, they do have to call clients out on egocentric talk and tell clients when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future.
Be Willing to Change
You have to be willing to change to repair a relationship. A counsellor is there to assist with the change. We are used to people being uneasy. The best work is often done just after hitting an uncomfortable spot. This sweet spot is where both parties drop their guards and fess up to feelings, disappointments and their own behaviour. Sometimes one party will walk out, cool off, and then come back. That is okay. We understand that sometimes people haven’t been this honest their whole lives.
Couple Behaviour Rules
Important: Couples Counselling is Not Appropriate Where a Relationship is Abusive: Couples therapy often requires tough conversations which can result in big emotions and uncomfortable self-disclosure. If your relationship is abusive, it may not suitable or safe for the cooperation involved with joint-counselling.
How to Best Prepare for Couple Counselling
Couples counselling tends to progress more quickly than one-to-one work. It also tends to be more dynamic and challenging. Ghita's advice is to begin with the end in mind. If you have a good, strong reason for being in counselling then you are more likely to be open to exploring. So, to make Couples Counselling a good experience there are groundrules for behaviour. The best way to prepare for Couples Counselling is to read this entire page so you know what to expect from your therapist and from yourselves.
*Note: Please do not bring children to your session. There are no facilities for children and public liability insurance does not cover damage to persons and property.
Love Relationships Require 3 Things: Commitment, Passion and Emotional Intimacy. Commitment Quiz
You Can’t Repair a Marriage in One Session
Couples should be aware that because there are two people sharing their stories, it is unlikely that one session will sort out a couples’ issues. Please expect to invest in your healing for anywhere from 4 -7 sessions.
Couples Counselling is Real: Couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. Feeling uncomfortable during certain parts of couples counselling is normal. In order to progress, a relationship requires total honesty about who you are and what your needs are.
'Couples Counselling is all about being brutally honest about feelings, expectations, and disappointments. And then, after feelings are heard, it is all about negotiating our needs. Professionals, like myself, can help you with this process. And you will be glad that you invested in your relationship.' - Ghita Andersen
Good Marriage Counsellors are not Passive: Reality Checking and Being Direct is Normal
Counsellors try to be as neutral as much as possible, however sometimes it is their job to challenge people with story inconsistencies, contrary body language and to do a type of REALITY CHECKING. Moreover, this can be hard for some people to accept if they are not in touch with their emotions, or they have a habit of blaming others to avoid conflict.
Pattern Interrrupt (Aka Shock Therapy)
Pattern interrupt is an NLP method used by couples counsellors to stop parties bickering and to shock them into realising that they want to stay together. It is designed to strengthen the love and to diffuse the contempt. If your therapist uses it in your session, it is for your benefit. Sometimes, couples are so busy blaming and focusing on what the other person does wrong that they forget to focus on what they do right. Couples counsellors aim to create rapport with clients, but they also have to shock and reality check at times to get both parties on the same page.
★★★★★ Couples Counselling Testimonial: "My psychologist recommended you as some of her clients had done couples counselling and said that you were very direct and got straight into doing the work of unpacking the issues. I thought that was just what we needed for our situation. We didn't want the type of approach that would take weeks to make any progress. Thanks Ghita." Angela (Currumbin).
Counsellors Are Not Referees
Couples counsellors may well provide you with coaching. For example, they may teach you learn to communicate differently, but what they will not do is give advice about life issues. They are not there to take sides. Rather, counsellors try to appear unbiased and sensitive to both parties to allow you both to feel heard. However, in order to do their jobs properly and to keep therapy on track, they do have to call clients out on egocentric talk and tell clients when their behaviour is counter-productive, competitive, alienating or abusive. The therapist's job is to show you the best methods for getting your relationship back on track, and sometimes this means asking you to take responsibility for past events so that you can move forward and focus on the future.
Be Willing to Change
You have to be willing to change to repair a relationship. A counsellor is there to assist with the change. We are used to people being uneasy. The best work is often done just after hitting an uncomfortable spot. This sweet spot is where both parties drop their guards and fess up to feelings, disappointments and their own behaviour. Sometimes one party will walk out, cool off, and then come back. That is okay. We understand that sometimes people haven’t been this honest their whole lives.
Couple Behaviour Rules
- No Shouting or Voice Raising in Session: The counsellor is entitled to have respectful workplace.
- Anger Issues in One Party: If one partner has anger issues, depression, serious addictions, severe anxiety issues, or is verbally abusive etc., it is best if they do individual psychotherapy with a psychiatrist before investing in couples counselling.
- Walk-Outs: Sometimes, during couples counselling one party will become angry (or defensive) and walk out of the session. This is not unusual in this type of sensitive therapy. Please note that because of this counselling fees must be paid in advance and appointments require 24 hours notice of cancellation. See Cancellation Policy or FAQ on the website.
- It’s Not All About You: Sometimes we can pull the wool over our own eyes, not wanting to acknowledge what is happening. In couples counselling it’s hard to deceive yourself or the counsellor because not only is the way you relate there in the room being observed, but your partner may also say what they think and feel, shining a light into areas you find uncomfortable.
- When One Person is Unmotivated, Only Coming to Therapy as a Box-Ticking Exercise
Therapy is most successful when people are willing to walk in the door on their own. This isn’t to say that therapy is not daunting and you won’t feel hesitant about the process. You may of course have doubts and fears about whether therapy will help or if it will feel awkward. But give it a try at least for a few sessions wholeheartedly. - Expecting Therapy to “Fix” my Partner? And am I Willing to Admit my Contributions to Our Relationship Dynamic?
Couples counselling is about treating the relationship. This means looking at both partners’ behaviours and how issues result from your co-created dynamic. For the most part, couples therapists remain neutral, they don’t align with one person or the other; but instead, are always looking at ways to support the relationship. Couples counsellors help each person to feel heard and try to understand each partner’s perspective. - Self-Reflection is Part of Therapy: If you expect that your couples therapist will not ask you to self-reflect about your actions in the relationship, you might be disappointed.
- Blame: If you are coming to couples counselling in order to be proven RIGHT or to BLAME the other party entirely for the failure of your relationship, you have already emotionally separated from your partner and should move onto mediation with a mediator (Parenting plan) or lawyer.
- Values Mismatch and Incompatibiity: If the counsellor notices that you both have very different values and this is something you constantly fight about, the counsellor may tell you that you are incompatitable and unlikely to make it work. Sometimes this happens. The therapist will be honest and say so.
- Defensiveness: If One Party Starts to Blame the Counsellor: If one person is triggered by the therapist probing into the relationship, or is upset by questions asking them to reveal their thoughts and motives (which are necessary), and turns on the therapist, the session is over. This will not be tolerated.
No Magic Wand at the 11th Hour
Things to consider: Counsellors can’t be expected to ‘fix’ a relationship, which has taken decades to degrade and is now beyond repair. Counsellors can’t make one person cooperate if they don’t want to. If one party has already walked out of a relationship, there may be little that we can do if all trust has been lost.
Problem Solving
Learning how to think differently about a problem is often more effective than thinking about what action you need to take. The fact is, your partner is limited in his or her ability to respond to you and vice versa. Accepting this fact is a huge step towards maturity. When working towards improving your relationship, your attitude towards change is more important than the action you need to take. It is relatively easy to determine what to do and how to do it. The real challenge is getting yourself to actually do it; which is why people go to therapy to stay on track. People often say, 'We know what we need to do, we just need someone to keep us honest and to make us do it.'
Counsellor Recommends Individual Counselling
The counsellor may recommend that one party has individual counselling in order to work on childhood issues, trust issues etc before further couples therapy. If they do, it is likely that you are bringing your old family issues into your marriage or relationship.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, they don’t say it lightly. Please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. It's more challenging to mend a relationship this way, but you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
Examining Your Relationship
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, you can focus on:
Sometimes, however, as a result of couples counselling, clients decide to end their relationship. Counselling can then fulfil a role in helping the couple to end well, and to take care of issues that are important to you (for example, caring for children) in a mutually respectful and beneficial way. (Ghita can recommend mediation services.)
What Couples Counselling Doesn't Do
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage, and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.) Remember, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact. Remember, couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
★★★★★ Testimonial: "I gained a lot in only one session. I am so grateful for your help, it stops me thinking and reacting without perspective. We are seeing great benefits." R. Murphy (Couples Counselling, Reedy Creek).
Are You Ready to Become The Couple You Used to be?
It takes a lot of courage to book in for Couples Counselling, and we applaud that, but it may be the best investment you ever make in your family... It's important to remember that there is an initial free 10 minute phone consultation available to help you decide whether Ghita would be a good fit for you.
Call Ghita Therapy today on 0439 888 070
Things to consider: Counsellors can’t be expected to ‘fix’ a relationship, which has taken decades to degrade and is now beyond repair. Counsellors can’t make one person cooperate if they don’t want to. If one party has already walked out of a relationship, there may be little that we can do if all trust has been lost.
Problem Solving
Learning how to think differently about a problem is often more effective than thinking about what action you need to take. The fact is, your partner is limited in his or her ability to respond to you and vice versa. Accepting this fact is a huge step towards maturity. When working towards improving your relationship, your attitude towards change is more important than the action you need to take. It is relatively easy to determine what to do and how to do it. The real challenge is getting yourself to actually do it; which is why people go to therapy to stay on track. People often say, 'We know what we need to do, we just need someone to keep us honest and to make us do it.'
Counsellor Recommends Individual Counselling
The counsellor may recommend that one party has individual counselling in order to work on childhood issues, trust issues etc before further couples therapy. If they do, it is likely that you are bringing your old family issues into your marriage or relationship.
If your counsellor recommends this to save you marriage, they don’t say it lightly. Please do not be insulted by this, but rather see it as an opportunity for personal growth. If you do not iron out past grievances, trust issues and baggage, you will undoubtedly bring it into every relationship. [Question: If I'm not willing to sort out my old baggage/ trust issues (etcetera), should I be in a relationship at all?]
5 Ways to Help Your Marriage Using Individual Counselling:
If your partner refuses to attend marriage counselling sessions, you can still attend individual sessions. It's more challenging to mend a relationship this way, but you can benefit by learning more about your own reactions and behaviour.
- Be Honest About Your Own Emotions in order to comprehend why you feel the way you feel and how you can self-regulate/ gain control over those emotions.
- Examine Childhood Fears, Mistrust, Anger, Self-Esteem Issues that are triggered by your partner. How can you work on yourself to improve your interactions with others, instead of allowing your inner-critic to sabotage your relationships. Would you like to try individual counselling or NLP?
- Communication Style: How is your communication style hampering your relationship? Could you deliver your phrases better? Do you state your needs in a positive or negative way?
- Understand your Partner's Love Language and your own. This goes a long way to understand how to love each other and get brownie points. [Book: The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman]
- Expectations of Partner Roles: Is your expectation of your partner based on your parent's traditional roles? Is it reasonable? It is always a good idea to examine and be honest about what you expect of your partner (in terms of spouse or parental roles) and then compare these to what is normal in the modern era.
Examining Your Relationship
It may be useful to pay attention to different aspects of your relationship. For example, you can focus on:
- How you view the level of commitment to each other
- How you communicate
- How you connect and play together
- How you compromise
- How you resolve disputes
- How you nurture and care for yourselves and each other
- How you grow together
- Are your values in alignment?
Sometimes, however, as a result of couples counselling, clients decide to end their relationship. Counselling can then fulfil a role in helping the couple to end well, and to take care of issues that are important to you (for example, caring for children) in a mutually respectful and beneficial way. (Ghita can recommend mediation services.)
What Couples Counselling Doesn't Do
Couples counselling isn’t a magic cure. It requires an investment of honesty, courage, and humility. Often, couples come into counselling blaming one another for their difficulties. (It’s not unusual for couples to start arguing in front of the counsellor.) Remember, couples counsellors are not passive. They will intervene to focus the session on insight and action. For you and your partner, this often involves letting go of fixed perspectives and stepping back to see the process of how you interact. Remember, couples counselling is not a place to avoid emotions. The counsellor is there to help you to explore your feelings and to find different perspectives to make better decisions on what you are able and willing to change.
★★★★★ Testimonial: "I gained a lot in only one session. I am so grateful for your help, it stops me thinking and reacting without perspective. We are seeing great benefits." R. Murphy (Couples Counselling, Reedy Creek).
Are You Ready to Become The Couple You Used to be?
It takes a lot of courage to book in for Couples Counselling, and we applaud that, but it may be the best investment you ever make in your family... It's important to remember that there is an initial free 10 minute phone consultation available to help you decide whether Ghita would be a good fit for you.
Call Ghita Therapy today on 0439 888 070
Some Things to Consider Before Booking in a Couples Counselling Session:
Is There Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Verbal, or Financial Abuse in my Relationship?
When there is abuse, especially violence (threatened or actual), in a relationship, most couples therapists will refer the partners to individual therapy, doctors or psychiatrists first before treating the couple together. This is so that partners can learn healthy tools to regulate emotions in ways that don’t involve controlling behaviours such as physical or sexual violence, verbal abuse, financial abuse, or emotional manipulation.
If the couples’ main way of coping with difficulty is through violence or abusive behaviours, couples therapy may place partners at greater risk for continued abuse if there are no other healthy coping strategies in place. Counsellors want you to be able to come to couples therapy equipped with some strategies to manage the challenges of therapy safely. Consider that counsellors have to work in a safe, respectful environment and have their own emotional balance to consider.
If you’re unsure whether you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, give Ghita a call for a quick consultation on 0439 888 070 or check the indicators of family violence in the free ebook: How to Recognize the Signs of Family Violence
Is There Physical, Sexual, Emotional, Verbal, or Financial Abuse in my Relationship?
When there is abuse, especially violence (threatened or actual), in a relationship, most couples therapists will refer the partners to individual therapy, doctors or psychiatrists first before treating the couple together. This is so that partners can learn healthy tools to regulate emotions in ways that don’t involve controlling behaviours such as physical or sexual violence, verbal abuse, financial abuse, or emotional manipulation.
If the couples’ main way of coping with difficulty is through violence or abusive behaviours, couples therapy may place partners at greater risk for continued abuse if there are no other healthy coping strategies in place. Counsellors want you to be able to come to couples therapy equipped with some strategies to manage the challenges of therapy safely. Consider that counsellors have to work in a safe, respectful environment and have their own emotional balance to consider.
If you’re unsure whether you are experiencing abuse in your relationship, give Ghita a call for a quick consultation on 0439 888 070 or check the indicators of family violence in the free ebook: How to Recognize the Signs of Family Violence
Free Ebooks for Couples
Copyright 2021 Ghita Andersen. Photos courtesy of Freepik
