The Relationship Pyramids

The Gender Relationship Currencies
The Esther Perel relationship currency concept was put into pyramid diagrams by Ghita Andersen in Couples Therapy to make it easier to understand.

Think in terms of Maslow's Hierachy of Needs:
A man's relationship currency is Admiration and Praise. So he needs the most of that from his woman. Men used to get this from being providers and previously being the hunters of their village. During hunting the men would be running on adrenaline and barely speaking for days as they signalled to each other from hills and herded animals into traps. They would get an amazing endorphin hit when they returned with the kill from the hunt (think ticker-tape parade) from the women and children - who would be happy to see them (dangerous work) and ever so grateful for the village getting new food supplies - which could last for weeks.

Bringing home the bacon - literally!

​When men get the opposite of praise and admiration: Criticism, Contempt, Condescension, Spousal Parenting and Disrespect, they often get defensive and feel unappreciated and unloved. They are no longer the hunter-hero. It is hard-wired into them to need it.

In the past, men in traditional marriages would get some reward for working from their families when they came home from work (pipe, slippers, a kiss and hello Daddy), but now that most couples both work due to the cost of living, they no longer get a lot of praise, admiration, gratitude and hero worship.

A woman's currency is Safety and Protection. So she needs most of that from her man. This means Physical, Emotional, Financial, Family Support and Protection. This safety includes communication safety. This is because a woman is wired to need safety from multiple elements in her environment, so she can safely nurture others.

In the days of living in small villages, women had to people please with the other women in order to survive. The men would be away hunting most of the time, so getting on with the women and children determined whether they and their children lived or died. Consequently, a woman's brain is wired for communication and the amydala is larger than a man's and always on alert.

​Men on the other hand, do not need to communicate as much, so they often have difficulty understanding what women are demonstrating and what they are really wanting when they complain. They will often avoid or defend, rather than try to understand.

These currencies play a large role in relationship conflict. When we are not getting our relationship needs from our partners we tend to throw out a bid for connection that often sounds like complaint, criticism, defensiveness or disappointment.

https://www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog
Sept 2024