HOW TO CHEAT-PROOF YOUR RELATIONSHIP

“Ghita, how can I CHEAT-PROOF my relationship?”

How Prevalent is Cheating?
Surveys suggest up to 25% of all marriages may face infidelity, either once or ongoing. (Source: Gemini Advanced Research) However, some research suggests that that number rises to approximately 70% in dating relationships. Unfortunately, this includes de facto relationships.

2022 study: Thailand had the highest infidelity rate at 51%, followed by Denmark (46%) and Germany (45%).

It also depends on what kind of cheating. It is not possible to know the true stats, as folks don't log into some website after chatting to someone online. They also don't discuss the fantasies that they have for someone at work and they don’t always tell their nearest, dearest or therapist. We can only base it on online questionnaires and psychological studies.

Physical cheating is not as common as emotional cheating but with the invention of smart phones both have increased exponentially. It is easy to cheat when you have an organiser, video device and chat room in your pocket. Emotional cheating is extremely common. The level varies, but since smart phones it has exploded.
Divorce rates are at 33% in Australia for first time marriages. The rate is dropping because people often live together first. Divorce rates of second time around marriages are much higher: Up to 60%. And sadly some of those divorces didn’t need to happen.

How Do I CHEAT-PROOF My Relationship?
Cheat-proofing a relationship involves proactively building emotional safety, maintaining intimacy, and fostering open communication. Key strategies include setting clear boundaries, prioritising quality time (date nights/ sex), practicing radical honesty about temptations, and actively meeting each other’s needs to avoid emotional or physical gaps that lead to infidelity.

Here are Some Great Tips...
Firstly, pick someone who has good morals, is good in a crisis and doesn't have mental health issues, addictions, immaturity or a victim mindset. The common personality traits of cheater are selfishness and immaturity. Secondly, a dysfunctional family of origin.

99% of a successful relationship is who you pick and who you become with this person. Truly! You can't change people, fix them or raise them as adults. This is the mistake many people make. When the pressures of child rearing come along, if they can't step up, they step out. Instead of becoming responsible, they find excuses or check out. Also, make sure that they are over their ex and don't have a situationship on the shelf or close opposite sex buddies.

Be Honest with Your Tech:
In a modern marriage it is important to keep your phones and tech open. No passwords. No secrets. Maintain transparency with digital devices, social media and friendships online.

Set Boundaries: A lot of couples create a Pre-Marital Agreement. This isn’t a pre-nup, it is a general rulebook for the relationship. It includes a full list of items from handling money, to how many children, conflict resolution, what constitutes cheating, leadership and decision making, how many times a week to have sex?, etc. They work it out. Print up a contract and keep it in a drawer. It may need tweaking as children come into the relationship.

Importantly, make sure that you are both on the same page in terms of what is and isn’t cheating. Informing your mate about what’s right for you is a form of boundary setting.

Conflict Resolution:
It is vitally important to understand your partner’s fighting style and how they interpret what you are saying and how they self-soothe after conflict. Often we adopt fighting behaviours from our parents. If you need processing time (space) after a fight the other person needs to know that and how best to deal with it. If you are a talker and the other person is an avoider, it is vitally important to agree on how to repair things, the timeframes and healing methods. (I teach an Active Listening Workshops for this reason.)
No Turning Frogs into Princes or Princesses into Workhorses:
Understand that behaviours can change, but traits cannot. Don’t pick someone and then ask them to change. That is not fair. That is just disappointment waiting to happen and then you will both be miserable.

Energy Goes Where Energy Flows: Check in every day: I call this a Reconnection Hour. Talk about your day. Talk about future plans. Have a mutual project. Cultivate Shared Values: Focus on deep connection, respect, and shared goals rather than solely relying on attraction and sex.

Regularly discuss 3 things: 3 things you love that they do and 3 things that need improvement.

Invest in Intimacy: Make sure you make love. Not as a transaction, but as a touch, connection and relationship booster. Sex creates dopamine and oxytocin. These are addictive hormones. If you are happy in the bedroom you are less likely to stray.
Also men use sex to connect whereas women use conversation. But you have to understand that men and women are wired differently. Take a leaf out at the other genders book or use their love language to connect better.

You can even figure out if a person is a vidual person and auditory person or a feeling person. Use those in your language. Visual: I can see that you are tired right now, let’s view things tomorrow. Auditory: It sounds like you are tired right now, shall we talk tomorrow? Kinesthetic: I am sensing that you are tired right now. Let’s talk tomorrow.

Keep the Spark Alive:
Regularly schedule dates – use the "777" rule (date night every 7 days, getaway every 7 weeks, trip every 7 months).

Discuss Temptation Early: Make it acceptable to talk about attraction to others or temptation before it becomes a serious issue, reducing its power. Discuss the needs that are not being met and brainstorm ways to get those needs met inside your relationship.

Assumptions: Check your internal-critic before you answer your partner. Listen to listen first to understand their standpoint. If we jump to being offended and listen only to the usual defensive statements in our heads we are on a slippery slope to a fight. Remember that your internal chatter is there to protect you but it will also cause you to misunderstand your partner or assume that their viewpoint is wrong. In fact, it often doesn’t listen before it goes off with a statement like, ‘Here we go again.’ And ‘He/ she never listens or understands me.” Or Why am I always the problem?’ I teach couples this all the time. How to listen to your partner and ignore your monkey chatter. It is enlightening.

SIGNIFICANCE: I can’t emphasise this enough. Every person on the planet needs significance. It might be in listening to a partner’s dreams or admiring them when they lead or do praising them when they do something that is meaningful for them.
It is important to keep up personal growth to remain happy as an individual. This reduces the pressure on your partner to be your sole source of happiness. Moreover, you can’t expect your relationship to meet all your needs. That would be naïve.

If you look to your spouse as your source of everything, you may lose your personal freedom, life purpose and even friends. Every single person needs a Plan B. Not because you expect to fail in your relationship but because you remain interesting by having your own source of self-fulfilment. Fill your own cup up first. Maintain friendships, hobbies and a career. Never become the family workhorse.

CHEATING STARTS IN THE MIND via A LACK OF SOMETHING...
It is my opinion the real reason people cheat is because their need for SIGNIFICANCE is not met by their partner. …And the cheater will go outside the relationship to meet this feeling of significance. This need to fill their sense of significance may be met with sex, leadership, admiration, being understood, group projects, mental intimacy, novelty, being desired or having a deep emotional connection.

Note: This is why people cheat with co-workers more than anyone else. Proximity and shared purpose = higher chance of an affair. When our relationship needs continually go unmet, an affair can be our way of getting them met – albeit a less than an optimal one.

Boredom: Cruising in the Marriage or Becoming Flatmates:
This is easy to do when schedules get routine, responsibilities mount up and children kill the spontaneity or the opportunity for love-making. Keeping a spark going can seem to be impossible at times. This is normal. Everyone goes through this kind of flat period. Boomers and GenX know this is part of marriage. The younger generations are less used to boredom due to smart phones.

So, address boredom, a lack of connection or a need for personal growth early on: Don’t expect your partner to be your therapist or entertainment: Consider that if you don’t like yourself, why would anyone else like you? Do some work on any issues from childhood or past relationships. Work on your self-love and personal fulfilment. You will be a better partner and more attractive if you have a spark in yourself that is not reliant on other people validating your selfies.

Have Fun Together:
It doesn’t have to be on date night. It can be cooking together or doing stupid daily tasks. Make cleaning/ shopping/ family activities fun. Try flirting with each other. Act like you did when you first got together. View your partner as your equal and boost their confidence as much as you can - without overdoing it.

Focus on all the things your partner does right. Spend the next week focusing on all the things they do for you that you take for granted. Write each other little notes (The Marriage Jar – My YouTube video). Remember the Marriage Jar Formula: For every good interaction two marbles go in your relationship jar. For every negative interaction, five come out!

Develop some meaningful projects together that bind you as a team. Be a team for your kids. Support each other’s hobbies and interests. Nothing bonds people like being understood and having a sense that someone has your back.

Post-Affair Healing:
If you or your partner are or have been engaged in an affair and are struggling to rebuild your marriage, it is important to recognise that it takes time for trust to be rebuilt. Forgiveness and rebuilding will often need to be a daily decision.

Sometimes, an affair can be the best thing that happens to a couple whose marriage has gone stale. And with the help of a counsellor, a couple can create a marital contract going forwards.

The Benefits Post-Affair:

• An affair acts as a wake-up call; forcing you to deal with issues you were previously ignoring or unaware of
• It can be an opportunity to create deeper intimacy and connection between you
• It can be an opportunity to finally get your unmet emotional and sexual needs met by your partner
• It can make each party realize what they stand to lose emotionally and financially
• It can force couples to create a Marital Agreement/ Pre-Marital Agreement:  A boundary contract that puts all important elements in place to maintain the marriage, instead on going on autopilot when things get hard
• In healing your relationship from the affair, you’ll have to grow (a lot), learn to forgive, eat humble pie and rebuild trust – and that’s always a positive thing
• It stretches your value system and makes you realise that life can’t always be black and white/ Good versus Bad. Sometimes good people do dumb stuff!

If you love someone, you should fight for them. In saying that, an unfaithful husband or wife cannot expect their partner to act as though nothing has happened. They will need to be sensitive and patient. It is a good idea to seek professional help and attend couples therapy in the process to rebuild trust.

If your relationship manifests an affair, both of you are responsible for having co-created the environment in which the affair could grow.
Don't be the person that says, “I didn’t see it coming…”
Most of all, do not give up.
 
If you’re both ready to improve your relationship, it would be my privilege to support you.
Warm regards,
Ghita Andersen
Couples Counsellor
Gold Coast, Australia 2026

www.ghitaandersen.com
See my Couple's Retreats

Youtube: @ghitatherapy8255
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