One thing many counsellors don't talk about is MENTAL LEVELS. They talk about anxiety, depression, stress, and diagnoses, but rarely do they talk about prevention and HOW TO RECOGNISE YOUR LIMITS MENTALLY.

As someone who began my journey to becoming a therapist at her lowest ebb - needing counselling and hypnotherapy to leave an emotionally and financially abusive relationship, I can tell you that certain things saved my life back then. One of them was anti-depressants (SSRIs), and the other was having the courage to leave - even though I knew it would be hard.

By 40, I had had at least two mild, mental breakdowns. I was not hospitalised for the 2nd, but I was not functioning properly. When I look back at my life now at 61, I can count FIVE TIMES when my adrenal glands and mental capacity were at zero from exhaustion, and I was in mortal danger of a breakdown.

So, my message to you is this: When your body is screaming at you to take a sick day, to leave that abusive partner, to stop doing everything for your family, to stop people pleasing, or saying YES when you mean NO, stop being a masochist! There are no medals for carrying on and destroying your body and mind. And stop comparing yourself to others!! We don't have the mental capacity all the time to be machines.

Our MENTAL LIMITS ARE WHAT THEY ARE. So stop putting that kind of pressure on! Social media drives everyone to self-improvement. But all we have to be is better than who we were yesterday and that's not hard if you absorb the lessons.

So, bring it back to you. What do you need? NOT... What do you want? Your path depends on what you can handle. This crazy world sucks the life out of us and scares us 24/7. Previous generations did not have to maintain that level of NORMALISING just to get up and face the day. They had hope, family belonging, social rules and a lot less stress. Ok.

So remember to GAUGE YOUR LEVELS OF MENTAL CAPACITY AND YOUR STRESS like your life depends on it. Because it does...

Think of it like a social battery metre. When your mental capacity is low, check in with your body. Your body knows. It knows even when your brain is trying to push past it or deny it.

And rest from everything - especially technology.
​Ground in nature. Exercise. Get in touch with your body. Feed it right.

Squishy hugs.
Ghita

Ghita's Blog:
https://www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog
​
Ghita Andersen Counselling Gold Coast:
Ghitaandersen.com

​Life Coaching:
Ghitatherapy.com
​
#mentalhealthblog
#ruok
#Ghitaandersen
#depression
#anxiety
#socialbattery
#stress
#counselling
#ghitaandersen
#adrenalexhaustion
#notcoping

“Ghita, how can I CHEAT-PROOF my relationship?”

How Prevalent is Cheating?
Surveys suggest up to 25% of all marriages may face infidelity, either once or ongoing. (Source: Gemini Advanced Research) However, some research suggests that that number rises to approximately 70% in dating relationships. Unfortunately, this includes de facto relationships.

2022 study: Thailand had the highest infidelity rate at 51%, followed by Denmark (46%) and Germany (45%).

It also depends on what kind of cheating. It is not possible to know the true stats, as folks don't log into some website after chatting to someone online. They also don't discuss the fantasies that they have for someone at work and they don’t always tell their nearest, dearest or therapist. We can only base it on online questionnaires and psychological studies.

Physical cheating is not as common as emotional cheating but with the invention of smart phones both have increased exponentially. It is easy to cheat when you have an organiser, video device and chat room in your pocket. Emotional cheating is extremely common. The level varies, but since smart phones it has exploded.
Divorce rates are at 33% in Australia for first time marriages. The rate is dropping because people often live together first. Divorce rates of second time around marriages are much higher: Up to 60%. And sadly some of those divorces didn’t need to happen.

How Do I CHEAT-PROOF My Relationship?
Cheat-proofing a relationship involves proactively building emotional safety, maintaining intimacy, and fostering open communication. Key strategies include setting clear boundaries, prioritising quality time (date nights/ sex), practicing radical honesty about temptations, and actively meeting each other’s needs to avoid emotional or physical gaps that lead to infidelity.

Here are Some Great Tips...
Firstly, pick someone who has good morals, is good in a crisis and doesn't have mental health issues, addictions, immaturity or a victim mindset. The common personality traits of cheater are selfishness and immaturity. Secondly, a dysfunctional family of origin.

99% of a successful relationship is who you pick and who you become with this person. Truly! You can't change people, fix them or raise them as adults. This is the mistake many people make. When the pressures of child rearing come along, if they can't step up, they step out. Instead of becoming responsible, they find excuses or check out. Also, make sure that they are over their ex and don't have a situationship on the shelf or close opposite sex buddies.

Be Honest with Your Tech:
In a modern marriage it is important to keep your phones and tech open. No passwords. No secrets. Maintain transparency with digital devices, social media and friendships online.

Set Boundaries: A lot of couples create a Pre-Marital Agreement. This isn’t a pre-nup, it is a general rulebook for the relationship. It includes a full list of items from handling money, to how many children, conflict resolution, what constitutes cheating, leadership and decision making, how many times a week to have sex?, etc. They work it out. Print up a contract and keep it in a drawer. It may need tweaking as children come into the relationship.

Importantly, make sure that you are both on the same page in terms of what is and isn’t cheating. Informing your mate about what’s right for you is a form of boundary setting.

Conflict Resolution:
It is vitally important to understand your partner’s fighting style and how they interpret what you are saying and how they self-soothe after conflict. Often we adopt fighting behaviours from our parents. If you need processing time (space) after a fight the other person needs to know that and how best to deal with it. If you are a talker and the other person is an avoider, it is vitally important to agree on how to repair things, the timeframes and healing methods. (I teach an Active Listening Workshops for this reason.)
No Turning Frogs into Princes or Princesses into Workhorses:
Understand that behaviours can change, but traits cannot. Don’t pick someone and then ask them to change. That is not fair. That is just disappointment waiting to happen and then you will both be miserable.

Energy Goes Where Energy Flows: Check in every day: I call this a Reconnection Hour. Talk about your day. Talk about future plans. Have a mutual project. Cultivate Shared Values: Focus on deep connection, respect, and shared goals rather than solely relying on attraction and sex.

Regularly discuss 3 things: 3 things you love that they do and 3 things that need improvement.

Invest in Intimacy: Make sure you make love. Not as a transaction, but as a touch, connection and relationship booster. Sex creates dopamine and oxytocin. These are addictive hormones. If you are happy in the bedroom you are less likely to stray.
Also men use sex to connect whereas women use conversation. But you have to understand that men and women are wired differently. Take a leaf out at the other genders book or use their love language to connect better.

You can even figure out if a person is a vidual person and auditory person or a feeling person. Use those in your language. Visual: I can see that you are tired right now, let’s view things tomorrow. Auditory: It sounds like you are tired right now, shall we talk tomorrow? Kinesthetic: I am sensing that you are tired right now. Let’s talk tomorrow.

Keep the Spark Alive:
Regularly schedule dates – use the "777" rule (date night every 7 days, getaway every 7 weeks, trip every 7 months).

Discuss Temptation Early: Make it acceptable to talk about attraction to others or temptation before it becomes a serious issue, reducing its power. Discuss the needs that are not being met and brainstorm ways to get those needs met inside your relationship.

Assumptions: Check your internal-critic before you answer your partner. Listen to listen first to understand their standpoint. If we jump to being offended and listen only to the usual defensive statements in our heads we are on a slippery slope to a fight. Remember that your internal chatter is there to protect you but it will also cause you to misunderstand your partner or assume that their viewpoint is wrong. In fact, it often doesn’t listen before it goes off with a statement like, ‘Here we go again.’ And ‘He/ she never listens or understands me.” Or Why am I always the problem?’ I teach couples this all the time. How to listen to your partner and ignore your monkey chatter. It is enlightening.

SIGNIFICANCE: I can’t emphasise this enough. Every person on the planet needs significance. It might be in listening to a partner’s dreams or admiring them when they lead or do praising them when they do something that is meaningful for them.
It is important to keep up personal growth to remain happy as an individual. This reduces the pressure on your partner to be your sole source of happiness. Moreover, you can’t expect your relationship to meet all your needs. That would be naïve.

If you look to your spouse as your source of everything, you may lose your personal freedom, life purpose and even friends. Every single person needs a Plan B. Not because you expect to fail in your relationship but because you remain interesting by having your own source of self-fulfilment. Fill your own cup up first. Maintain friendships, hobbies and a career. Never become the family workhorse.

CHEATING STARTS IN THE MIND via A LACK OF SOMETHING...
It is my opinion the real reason people cheat is because their need for SIGNIFICANCE is not met by their partner. …And the cheater will go outside the relationship to meet this feeling of significance. This need to fill their sense of significance may be met with sex, leadership, admiration, being understood, group projects, mental intimacy, novelty, being desired or having a deep emotional connection.

Note: This is why people cheat with co-workers more than anyone else. Proximity and shared purpose = higher chance of an affair. When our relationship needs continually go unmet, an affair can be our way of getting them met – albeit a less than an optimal one.

Boredom: Cruising in the Marriage or Becoming Flatmates:
This is easy to do when schedules get routine, responsibilities mount up and children kill the spontaneity or the opportunity for love-making. Keeping a spark going can seem to be impossible at times. This is normal. Everyone goes through this kind of flat period. Boomers and GenX know this is part of marriage. The younger generations are less used to boredom due to smart phones.

So, address boredom, a lack of connection or a need for personal growth early on: Don’t expect your partner to be your therapist or entertainment: Consider that if you don’t like yourself, why would anyone else like you? Do some work on any issues from childhood or past relationships. Work on your self-love and personal fulfilment. You will be a better partner and more attractive if you have a spark in yourself that is not reliant on other people validating your selfies.

Have Fun Together:
It doesn’t have to be on date night. It can be cooking together or doing stupid daily tasks. Make cleaning/ shopping/ family activities fun. Try flirting with each other. Act like you did when you first got together. View your partner as your equal and boost their confidence as much as you can - without overdoing it.

Focus on all the things your partner does right. Spend the next week focusing on all the things they do for you that you take for granted. Write each other little notes (The Marriage Jar – My YouTube video). Remember the Marriage Jar Formula: For every good interaction two marbles go in your relationship jar. For every negative interaction, five come out!

Develop some meaningful projects together that bind you as a team. Be a team for your kids. Support each other’s hobbies and interests. Nothing bonds people like being understood and having a sense that someone has your back.

Post-Affair Healing:
If you or your partner are or have been engaged in an affair and are struggling to rebuild your marriage, it is important to recognise that it takes time for trust to be rebuilt. Forgiveness and rebuilding will often need to be a daily decision.

Sometimes, an affair can be the best thing that happens to a couple whose marriage has gone stale. And with the help of a counsellor, a couple can create a marital contract going forwards.

The Benefits Post-Affair:

• An affair acts as a wake-up call; forcing you to deal with issues you were previously ignoring or unaware of
• It can be an opportunity to create deeper intimacy and connection between you
• It can be an opportunity to finally get your unmet emotional and sexual needs met by your partner
• It can make each party realize what they stand to lose emotionally and financially
• It can force couples to create a Marital Agreement/ Pre-Marital Agreement:  A boundary contract that puts all important elements in place to maintain the marriage, instead on going on autopilot when things get hard
• In healing your relationship from the affair, you’ll have to grow (a lot), learn to forgive, eat humble pie and rebuild trust – and that’s always a positive thing
• It stretches your value system and makes you realise that life can’t always be black and white/ Good versus Bad. Sometimes good people do dumb stuff!

If you love someone, you should fight for them. In saying that, an unfaithful husband or wife cannot expect their partner to act as though nothing has happened. They will need to be sensitive and patient. It is a good idea to seek professional help and attend couples therapy in the process to rebuild trust.

If your relationship manifests an affair, both of you are responsible for having co-created the environment in which the affair could grow.
Don't be the person that says, “I didn’t see it coming…”
Most of all, do not give up.
 
If you’re both ready to improve your relationship, it would be my privilege to support you.
Warm regards,
Ghita Andersen
Couples Counsellor
Gold Coast, Australia 2026

www.ghitaandersen.com
See my Couple's Retreats

Youtube: @ghitatherapy8255
Spotify Podcast: The Authentic Ghita Andersen
Instagram: @ghitatherapy
 
#How to affair proof your marriage
#How to affair-proof your relationship
#cheating
#infidelity
#The truth about infidelity
#Save my marriage
#marriage counsellor
#couples therapy

Regarding a second letter from an international magazine:

Hi Ghita Andersen, The Global Woman Leader is delighted to launch of its prestigious annual issue : “Top 10 Women Life Coaches from Australia 2025.”

After an extensive review of the remarkable women Life coaches, our editorial board has shortlisted Ghita Andersen from Ghita Andersen as one of the Top 10 Women Life Coaches from Australia 2025. This edition will celebrate your inspiring journeys, highlight professional achievements and leadership which is empowered to make a meaningful difference on a global scale.
​
Being recognized as one of the "Top 10 Women Life Coaches from Australia 2025" is a prestigious honor that can greatly elevate your personal brand, credibility and visiblity. This acknowledgment from a respected media platform can be a powerful asset when connecting with potential partners or clients. By strategically highlighting this recognition in your introductions or presentations, you strengthen your professional profile and open doors to new opportunities.

​Best regards,
Mary Janifa
Global Manager Development
Global Woman Leader Magazine

Case Study:
​Sometimes, our biggest challenges become our foundational strengths. Such was the case for my client yesterday. Now that perceived cause of self doubt is his icon for courage and believing in himself.

Beautiful how things turn 360 degrees with a metaphor or a different perspective. And this new positive anchor is, oh, so healing.
💪💪🤗
Xx

www.ghitaandersen.com/life-coaching-intensive.html
https://www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog

The Gender Relationship Currencies
The Esther Perel relationship currency concept was put into pyramid diagrams by Ghita Andersen in Couples Therapy to make it easier to understand.

Think in terms of Maslow's Hierachy of Needs:
A man's relationship currency is Admiration and Praise. So he needs the most of that from his woman. Men used to get this from being providers and previously being the hunters of their village. During hunting the men would be running on adrenaline and barely speaking for days as they signalled to each other from hills and herded animals into traps. They would get an amazing endorphin hit when they returned with the kill from the hunt (think ticker-tape parade) from the women and children - who would be happy to see them (dangerous work) and ever so grateful for the village getting new food supplies - which could last for weeks.

Bringing home the bacon - literally!

​When men get the opposite of praise and admiration: Criticism, Contempt, Condescension, Spousal Parenting and Disrespect, they often get defensive and feel unappreciated and unloved. They are no longer the hunter-hero. It is hard-wired into them to need it.

In the past, men in traditional marriages would get some reward for working from their families when they came home from work (pipe, slippers, a kiss and hello Daddy), but now that most couples both work due to the cost of living, they no longer get a lot of praise, admiration, gratitude and hero worship.

A woman's currency is Safety and Protection. So she needs most of that from her man. This means Physical, Emotional, Financial, Family Support and Protection. This safety includes communication safety. This is because a woman is wired to need safety from multiple elements in her environment, so she can safely nurture others.

In the days of living in small villages, women had to people please with the other women in order to survive. The men would be away hunting most of the time, so getting on with the women and children determined whether they and their children lived or died. Consequently, a woman's brain is wired for communication and the amydala is larger than a man's and always on alert.

​Men on the other hand, do not need to communicate as much, so they often have difficulty understanding what women are demonstrating and what they are really wanting when they complain. They will often avoid or defend, rather than try to understand.

These currencies play a large role in relationship conflict. When we are not getting our relationship needs from our partners we tend to throw out a bid for connection that often sounds like complaint, criticism, defensiveness or disappointment.

https://www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog
Sept 2024

POST-IT NOTE MARRIAGE JAR Concept to enhance your relationship:
On a good day: Grab 15 to 20 sticky notes in two different colours (one colour for each person). Write down everything you love, appreciate and feel for your partner, and pop the notes in a jar.

I keep mine in the kitchen...

Examples:
'I love how you did this... for me...'
'You are an amazing parent.'
'I appreciate how hard you work for this family.'
'You looked so sexy the other day.'
'Thank you for the foot massage the other day. You sensed I needed it. Amazing!'
'I love you so much.'
'I love hanging out with you and talking about nothing.'
'I admire how good you are with money.'
'I love it that you make sure I always have a fresh towel in my gym bag.'

When you have a day that is less than brilliant with each other, take a few notes out of the jar to read. This is to remind you of the important core things that are going right and your appreciation for each other.

Refill regularly.

Tips:
Use their love language, not yours: Touch, words of affirmation, gifts, quality time, acts of service.
The jar holds extra brownie points for people whose top love language is words.

Remember the gender currencies:
Men: Admiration, Praise and Respect.
Women: Safety and Protection (Includes communication safety, financial safety, physical safety, emotional safety, support with jobs, family, chores and being listened to and validated.)

Two dollar shop jar. Cheap sticky notes.
Cost $8
But priceless!
​xx

Ghita's blog 
https://www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog​
www.ghitaandersen.com

People come to counselling to sort through problems that they have in life and relationships. And this usually requires that they examine their patterns and belief systems to see if they are aligned with reality.

This 'new to counselling' is an uncomfortable stage to be in. But as they say, there is no gain without pain. No one wants to look within, but this is where all the answers lie. The counsellor is the facilitator. They help you on the journey. How far you want to go is up to you. You may wish to do a little digging at first. After all, the truth hurts: Looking within can trigger shame, fear, guilt or sadness. But, it is the only real way forward. I remember booking my first counselling session. My walls were well and truly up. I was so nervous. However, I knew that I could stay in my rut with my behaviours and problems or I could decide to make some changes. According to Michael Jackson, change starts with the man in the mirror.

If you grew up in a family where truth was denied or rejected; where things were swept under the carpet. Moreover, where truth depended on who was top of the power dynamic. If morals and values were fluid in your parent’s house, it can be hard to self-reflect for the first time in your life. It can trigger the lower feelings that no one likes to sit in. To divulge these in front of a stranger can give you more anxiety. You may ask yourself, is it safe to go that deep? Can we pretend to work on things without really going there? Can I have a little relief without doing anything painful?

But the answer is of course that you can, but it only delays the real work.

We may even scorn seeing a therapist. We may even send funny memes about mental health to our friends. It certainly is a lot easier to scorn than to sit in the discomfort of doing a deep dive on our junk.

Importantly, it may just be the bravest thing that you ever do – to see a counsellor. You may dip your toe in therapy at first and then run away. This happens all the time. I started with hypnotherapy then progressed to a psychologist, then NLP, then counselling. However, you will know when the time has arrived. When things continue in a negative fashion and there is no convenient and easy solution that you can find.

Honesty is the baseline for deep work. Checking your limiting beliefs is vital. The modern world has created a lot of confusion about right and wrong and your internal conflict is really just a spotlight on that. Your true guidance system (your gut) will indicate when things are off. When the ego is at war with the soul. The soul is this guidance system. The ego is the filtered sunglasses that you view the world through. The ego develops during your upbringing and life experience. The soul is just pure love and a need to have peace and belonging. You will find it difficult to change these filters on your own. At least, I certainly did.

When you see a counsellor, I would suggest that you tell them straight away which level you are comfortable going during session. (A jolly good Vent or a Deep Dive.) Yes, I would like a light dive today please, or I would like a deeper dive over six sessions please.

As someone who has spent decades self-reflecting and becoming more aware, I can honestly say that it is the best work I have done to change my programming. A little chip away here and there progressed me to the stage of wanting to be a counsellor. I have tried so many methods over the years and I can tell you what worked for me the best – with the least resistance.

Invest in yourself. Do yourself a favour and reprogram the outmoded microchips. You know you want to. Don’t worry, I was scared at first too.

I am so glad I was brave and I kept going. I went from a reactive person - always taking everything personally, to someone who can sit back and argue with my inner-critic (monkey chatter). I am less triggered, less anger, more curious about people and their motives and I see the best in people and I love and accept myself. I didn’t before.

I don’t know what my life would look like if I hadn’t.
You can do it. Like the Pantene commercial says:
‘It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.’
 
Ghita Andersen Blog
March 2024
www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitas-blog

Australian Couples Counsellor Ghita Andersen talks about an easy way to think of interactions in your relationship or marriage. Based on Health Psychology and The Gottman Method of 'Leaning Towards', consider whether the interaction is healthy or unhealthy for your relationship: Does it fill or empty your Marriage Jar?

More information on Couples Counselling/ Therapy please see Ghita's website pages: https://www.ghitaandersen.com/couples-counselling.html

​Ghita's Blog 2024

I love this story...

​December 19 and 20 were important days for Lucille Ball and Gary Morton. The 19th was Gary's birthday and the two had their first date on December 20, 1960. Lucy later told journalist Gladys Hall:
"Gary is, by nature, a happy person. He lifts - and the lady known as Lucy was, at that time, woefully in need of a lift...His is the natural humor of one who loves to laugh and wants the world to laugh with him. That makes two of us. I always wanted to make people laugh and I have always loved, and wanted to be with, people who laugh. That evening, I laughed with Gary and when the evening ended and he took me home, I was in better spirits and felt more like ME than I had done in many months.

The following day, December 21 (I have a mind like an IBM machine for dates) Gary took off to play a two-week engagement in some hamlet in Ohio... While Gary was away he called me on the phone, or wired me, every day and when he got back to New York he continued to call every day. He also - after asking my permission to do so - called for me at the theatre every evening after the show and took me home, or, if I felt up to it, somewhere for supper.

As a date, Gary was quiet and relaxed, comfortable to be with, sort of cozy yet gay as all get out, sweet and attentive, but no demands - all play it by ear, easy does it, day by day - until the day (2 months after we first met) when striking a serious note for the first time but trying to give it the light touch, he asked, 'Would you like to go steady with me, be my girl?' To this question, naively put, my instantaneous reaction was: 'Oh, no I don't think so. I'm not ready yet.'

When I fell in love with Desi, it was at first sight - wham, bang and away we go! - whereas my love for Gary was slow growth, with its roots in the faith that, just by being his sweet and steadfast self, he built in me. I liked him before I loved him and this is good, this is the way it should be, if love is to outlast the roses and rapture period and develop into a relationship based on a firm foundation of shared interests, mutual confidence and the ability to communicate, one with the other."

Lucy and Gary remained married for the rest of Lucy's life

xx
Ghita

www.ghitaandersen.com/ghitasblog
https://www.instagram.com/p/C1HFJ4LpG4T/