For decades, the Gottman Relationships Research Institute has been studying what makes good relationships. They discovered 5 fundamental habits that happy couples use to turn toward each other. These are:

• Continuously learning about your partner
• Sharing intimate knowledge about yourself
• Constant positive interactions
• A shared philosophy
• Reinforced your commitment

 
1. Continuously learning about your partner
You can never really know another person, no matter how long you’ve been together. There will always be memories that your partner has that you cannot know. But you can get to know your partner more by asking deep questions.

A few questions to ask your partner to get to know them more deeply:
* What was your first experience with the death of a pet or loved one?
* What was the happiest/saddest/most frightening moment of your childhood?
* Where would you be and what would you be doing if you never met me?
* Why do you believe what you believe?
* Who has been the most important influence on your life?
* What are your personal goals for this year and how can I help you achieve them?
* How can I be a better partner to you?

2. Sharing intimate knowledge about yourself
Invite your partner to learn about your personal, private aspects of yourself. Intimate knowledge shared with a partner can include ‘shared secrets, interpersonal rituals, bodily information, awareness of personal vulnerability and shared memory of embarrassing situations.’
 
Deeply connected partners have a shared language of endearments for each other, or special ways of touching each other that convey meaning or give pleasure to the other. Inside jokes, pet names, and playful teasing are ways that couples connect to each other on an intimate level.
 
3. Constant positive interactions
Communication is a very important two-way street. Listening is a gift that you give to your partner when you are fully available to hear their words and the emotion behind it. Play is a choice that you make to have fun with your partner.
 
Both listening and play contribute to deeply connected couple-hood. Imagine yourself not only being heard and understood on a meaningful level, but also having fun while that interaction took place with your partner. You would feel happy, loved, and supported.
Active listening is a lost art. Rather than giving your partner half of your attention, face them and listen intently to what they are saying. This is your beloved speaking to you. Treat them with the compassion that you also deserve.

Deeply connected couples spread joy as often as possible to their partner. In a study of relationship health and longevity by the Gottman Relationships Research Institute, researchers found that the use of humour or affection during conflict was essential to the health of the relationship.
 
4. A shared philosophy
Deeply connected couples know that each person is capable of change over their lifetimes. What rarely changes about a person are their deeply-held core beliefs. Deeply connected couples share these beliefs, morals and values, which enhances the depth their relationship because they connect to each other on a meaningful level.

5. Reinforced commitment
Trust is one of the most important factors for deeply connected couples. Connected partners take every opportunity to demonstrate to their spouse that they will protect their feelings. This demonstration of trust deepens their commitment to each other. Betrayal is not in the language of committed couples. Each partner protects the boundaries of the other person. By keeping their partner’s intimate details secret, they demonstrate trust to their partner.
 
Deeply connected couples see every interaction with another person as an opportunity to betray or protect their partner, and they always choose to protect their other half. Trust is not always about monogamy. Deeply connected couples show their care for their partner’s heart by refraining from paying extra attention to someone that their partner might see as a romantic rival.
www.ghitaandersen.com
 

1. Schedule a date night once a week: A relaxing or enjoyable activity as a couple.
2. Allow each other some downtime after work. (Man cave, woman cave, Me Time).
3. Use positive Love Languages more. (Ghita uses the Gottman Method in couples therapy.) Marriages are a team effort. Turn towards not away.
4. Change up your predictable routines, especially those concerning your sex life and social activities.
5. Don’t put off counselling if you don’t know how to talk to each other anymore. Don’t leave it until things are irreversible (11th hour). Counsellors are not magicians.
6. Do something you enjoyed doing years ago together. Go somewhere you used to go years ago that has shared meaning.
7. Make humour part of everyday: Have a good laugh with a movie, role play or silliness. Plan fun couple and family activities.
8. Develop some common short and long-term goals together: Ask each other what your dreams are. See if there is a way to take baby steps toward these dreams and support each other.
9. Prioritise your marriage by making it a focus in your life, giving it your energy, time and attention in the same way you do with your career or children.
10. All partnerships have a ‘Marriage Jar.’ When couples are in trouble, their marriage jar is always running on empty. Two marbles go in for positive acts and words. Twice that go out for negative acts and words. See my ‘Marriage Jar’ blog: http://www.ghitaandersen.com/blog-of-ghita-andersen
11. Look at the things you use to love about your partner? What do you currently love? Focus on the positive. Shine the light on what you do like.
12. Stress and frustration push people away. Look into yourself on a deeper level to understand why you are resentful or angry. Sharing your vulnerable side with your partner creates a connection. Lack of intimacy, contempt and stonewalling ruins relationships.
13. Don’t expect your partner to give you all the love you need. Love comes in many forms from friendship, work colleague support, family networks etc. Get what you need from as many people and role models as you can. This is also important in case a partnership ever ends. Life is not a Disney Fairytale. Every person needs a community to get through life.
14. Reclaim the romance in your relationship. Without romance you have a ‘business relationship.’ When you make love with your partner, you create dopamine hormones. When physical touch gets lost and partners get out of the habit of being physically connected, these hormones diminish. A great starting point to reviving the physical side of your relationship is a hug or kiss goodbye. Take time to hug, hold hands, cuddle on the couch etc.
15. Turn your phones off from dinner time to 9pm. No excpetions!!! No social media until 9pm means that you have to talk to each other. My couples clients tell me that this one rule has changed so much about their communication.

Ghita Andersen
http://www.ghitaandersen.com/couples-counselling.html